Myself

sometime i also do not understand myself, i am really seriously pissed with myself sometime. why am i like this, why can't i just let it go. WHY WHY WHY.... question and pile of question is being stacked and i am just running away or rather flooding myself with work just to distract myself with this question. YES i cannot find an answer yet, yes i am really suck whn i am finding answer for myself. i can help ppl in everything and i can do anything tht i want. BUT why can't i answer my own personal question. WHY!!!! I know tht i give in easily, depress easily and like to tear myself down until i get tear coming out of my eyes. but just tht my head is always filled with question abt stupid things, why can't i have her, why can't she be mine, why i always give in easily... why why why arghh..... sometime the only way to shut up my brain is just to flood with myself with work, but i am just running away and more and more question are being piled up in my head and i need to sort thm out.... hais getting sad over something tht i should not be, getting worried abt something tht i should not have. YES I DUN BELIEVE IN GOD, tht why i always stand alone cos i dun wanna have pillars of support around me. they are my fren, and even my close fren dun know me tht well cos i always does not tell him or her tht much cos i really dun wan thm to worry about me. i am just like a who does not show emotion tht much and when shown it is very deep. even my intern boss, told me tht i like rarely show emotion and always give a straight face. just tht if u take out my mask, u will see a sad boy just wanna be happy but he could not. she told me before tht to be happy, it is my choice, no one can stop you. i tried very hard to be happy, but around me things, always make me depress and sad. thus i really dun know how to be happy or sad sometime, and just wear a mask on my face tht does not show emotion.... yes i am used to be called a cold person, a emotionless person and yes i can become like tht again, but after meeting some ppl in life, my stone heart had melt and this make me feel stupid as i get emotional out of sudden and could not control it :(.... hais suck to be me. there is a few ppl, know tht i fake my smile and tht i am just like a little kids tht could not do anything. i just wan you to take care of my again. i really could not make it without you. i am really tired of standing alone without pillar to support me whn the time i needed i the most. if only u would read this, thn u will understand my heart. pls be beside me like u used to be and take care of me. i know tht i usually need more care, but i swear tht i will also take care of u, in a way tht i could.... ppl around me always say tht i am smart, genius and hardworking but to tell u the truth uh, ppl like me are always alone, ppl like me cannot find true happiness because we have high exception on our self. and if we met the exception, we will push it even higher until we could not. YES i am trying to be prefect in everything but i am totally dumb in emotion, friendship, relationship (if have one)... all i do is say only oh if i have a girlfriend, i would do this and tht for her blah blah blah. but the point it tht will i do it, will a small fight shaken me. sometime i just wan to be free and lift of the burden on my shoulder. yes some ppl always say tht why i always shoulder all the burden to myself etc. but just tht i rather suffer alone thn to let ppl around me suffer.... this body, mind and soul of mine will carry on any burden until it break.whn it break tht will be the time whn i am free from the cage i build for myself, the cage where i lock myself.

Update

it have been a long time since my last update hahaha so i just gonna say what happen during this past few weeks in one single post ><

First would be internship haha, yeap now mark the how many week of internship which is both fun and stress also depressing hahaha. the negative part would be cos of contamination of cell culture arghh can tell you tht it just stupid to let ur 14 work gone to waste thank to a bloody contamination. like they say contamination is a bitch to all cell culture hahah. hmm the good part is tht my work ppl are very fun to hang out with and fun to talk. i learn a lot from them and they also crack some joke to make my stress day less stress hahaha but sad tht they will be leaving the lab but the good thing is tht after my internship end woohoo more joke n laugh day for me :)

Second would be yes it was my birthday 7th June. hmm and yes i dun celebrate my birthday cos i dun find it a need to. as for me i dun like to waste money or time. but i am really grateful tht ppl wish my a happy birthday. blah blah blah on tht hahahah

third personal. ppl always wonder why i am always stress and panic and like to flood myself with work etc. it is not tht i personally like to flood myself with work or wat, it is just tht i wanna to distract my mind from other things, thus flooding myself with work it better thn having gotten myself in depression cos of some stupid things. sometime i just wanna run away when ever i think about it cos to tell u the truth, i am not as strong as what u think i am. Yes i am still cannot get myself over her, yes i sometime think abt her and just wanna hold her hand n hug her. i swear i just wan her but i know tht i could not and i should give up but i can't. hais hahaha FML i guess

fourth, hmm for this week there is band camp for 3D2N, the first night there is combined band practice and it was fun as u can see many generation of band member play with the main band. hmm actually cos there is a concert on the 28 june, thus there is a combined item for the alumni band and main band so ya hahha. and today or rather yesterday, was BBQ week where we just slack and chat and talk cock ahahha. hmm kinda miss those old band days to make music together and got scold together and see some drama in band etc. hmmm i actually grown alot in band thank to my senior, teacher and conductor. tht why tht band mean something special to me.

oh ya now i remember abt internship also, yes i damn learn a lot of things from there OMG now i know tht microsoft excel is totally not tht good loh MY GOD make my school life hard nia, now using a new software called SPSS it is a better software thn excel to do many things abt data hahaha damn cool loh hehehhehe ><

okay i think tht it for now yawnnn yawnnnn hahahha need to sleep liao .

Random

No matter how much i want to forget the things tht people do to me or what i did. i could not. it is embedded in my memory. yes i can forgive people but sadly i could not forget wat they did. but sometime i just overcome it by the fun i had with those ppl. hais no matter how long I ponder about life and my past, it only bring pain, sadness, depression and excitement. i dun not know what to thing about it. why i am too observed about the past, why can't i just move on. tht question is still left unanswered. many things in life, where question are unanswered or rather some question are best left unanswered because it might really hurt you. we are always curious about things and cross some limit which make things worst. no matter how much i think abt life, tears always drip down and some depression will occur. hahhaha just hope tht now i could be happy. truly happy and not force myself to smile just because i dun wan ppl to worry. 

Short story

Hmm suddenly got some feeling or rather mood to write down a story haha. Ps for any bad grammer or some sentence structure >.<


Looking nervously in an empty room with him, I could not bare myself to say a single words out and also could not move from my seat as I could sense tht he was staring at me from the back. Yes I do like him from back thn when we were in the same high school. He was famous in school as he got the good look n cool personality thus ppl always like to hang around with him but he always beside me to keep me accompany. From there I develop a feeling for him but could not say it as I dun wan our relationship as fren to end if I confess to him.

Suddenly the sound of the chair being moved came behind me. I turn n look there he was standing behind me. I did not know wat to do n out of the blue I noticed tht in pinned down on the table in front of me. I look at him n ask him.  He did not reply. The only things I could see was he moisturising his lip with his tongue n before I could digest on the situation,  I felt something touch my lips. It was his lips. The moist lip glued to my lips n I was shocked n try to push hin away but it there was no progress.

His tongue trying to enter my mouth n I could smell his pheromone as he trying to do tht to me. I still struggle myself to get out. Suddenly his hand rub against my body n wondering. Before I notice, the buttons on my shirt is being unbuttoned one by one n my belt is being removed.

Hahah shall stop here the rest u can guess n think wat happen ><

Dream n Fantasy

Ppl always say tht if you have a dream, u can surely make your dream come true whn you work hard for it. Or around tht line they will say to you. But they do not know tht some dream will not come true even if u urself work damn hard for it, even if u put in 100% effort. The dream will not come true no matter wat. Yes I am a bit or rather too negative but tht does not mean tht I am stupid enough to put my hope high enough to think tht the dream I tht I have will come true cos if it doesn't it will just hurt me as I feel like my time n effort a put to waste n suffer from depression.  Even ur fantasy is useless to let ur mind roam free nthink abt things with couls only occur whn u r born with it. I know some might say tht we r born with a fixed plan from him blah blah blah but I dun believe in tht cos in life you control ur own fate n life. Rather thn say tht I was born to be this tht all. Hais but sometime it might be true tht we r born with things tht we ourself cannot control. Like me I know myself well tht I was born to be alone n have limit number of fren n I accept it. Kinda of suck lah to be lonely but wat to do. Haha I dun care of wat ppl say but I just sometime u need to suck up just to be accepted in a group or to be accept by ppl. I am not like tht kinda of ppl. Rather thn sucking up which I find it stupid, I find fren who r there for me who understand n know me. But sometime I will feel damn jealous lah cos of those stupid couple always do their things like after school meet up or after intern meet n go home together.  To be able to find someone tht fit another half of ur heart is not easy.  I thought tht I found mine twice but I am wrong haha maybe cos I am too nice to ppl tht they intend to keep me as a fren or maybe because I dun have the look. I can be not nice at all I can be a demon n cold heartless person if I wan to just like last time but I change. Now I wish I was like last timr heartless n cold. Hahaha

Friends

I always dun usually like to be with ppl or rather stay with thm or talk cos I dun see the need aometimes n thus I have no fren last time.  Tht was my thinking.  But during secondary school I must say tht I am a guy with a few fren cos I dun really like to make fren as I am shy or rather dun see the need after tht things start to change slowly whn I reach poly where I find tht fren r important n they will always be there blah blah blah. But the main thing is tht the fren tht I have is the one tht I am proud to say tht they r my fren or rather close fren where they understand me, can make me happy. Techinally be there with me in my good time n bad hahah okay bah only some of thm I am proud to call thm my fren actually there is 4 ppl tht are really dear to me even n I will do anything for thm :) yeap I dun need many fren to be with but just need thm four cos they r the one tht really make me feel damn happy even whn i am sad n know me even if I never say anything.  I am really blessed to be able to meet thm n I will always cherish thm.

Past

Okay seem like now I have time to update my blog so it gonna be very long. So be prepare uh hehehehe >.<

Hmmm after I made her become angry with me, I do realise tht I am a type of guy tht dun usually like to argue or fight with ppl. Cos I just keep quiet abt everything that happen around me even if I dun like it, I just suck my tumb n just move on cos I damn damn lazy to argue with people as some ppl will just argue back with you using stupid reason n u can just wanna shut him/her up. N the other reason is just tht I dun wanna hurt ppl feeling. Can see tht I rarely ask ppl thing or so as I dun wanna be selfish person. But after got her angry I find tht all this is true now need to change or so loh. Hahaha but I really dun know how to talk to her. Not cos of awkward cos I dun know which words to pick n used in my sentence to her.  Just hope tht I am able to talk to her maybe.

Next for this past few days, memory of him keep appearing in my head everytime. Like those memory I had with him in china, school n outside. All the stupid things tht we used totalk abt etc.  I really dun know why but based on some dededuction,  I guess I kinda miss him? Even though I can deny it with words coming out of my mouth but I cannot deny the true feeling I felt currently. Yes we did argue a lot last time but I guess this is the worst one tht we had so far. I dun know but now I must really stand my ground. Yeap I miss him n wanna talk to him etc but I cannot as whn I made the decision it is absolute. To me fren meant everything as I am not close to my family n have little fren around me so each fren tht I made is damn precious to me. But ya lah something I say tht I dun miss thn wat so ever but deep down I really miss hahaha cannot blame me though as I dun usually say the truth abt my feeling to some maybe but not all. So something need to see my sentence structure n my tone loh hahaha XD

Now abt intern. Okay so currently I am doing two project for my intern but kinda of depress leh cos one of the project tht I am doing the cell got contamination now need to re do again :( learn new things though like staining, edit photo n all the things loh. Hahaa but yesterday I got to take care n teach a student doing phd on the staining tht I am doing must say tht it is damn nervous cos phd leh. But all end well cos she understand wat i said woohoo.