Life 2

I have always been living myself with fear and always dwell about the past and created a useless wall between me and people. this also created a heavy chain that pull me down and I do not perform up to my standard. Like they say fear is something that prevent us from doing things that we want and it will stop us from doing wat we are suppose to do as fear will always stop us from moving forward. After thinking abt what i wanna do in life, i really do not know if i wanna seriously be someone that i am not. meaning rather thn being someone i wanna be, i be someone else that pleased ppl around me. By doing that i actually hurt myself even more and ppl do not know it. that why ppl dun really understand me because i show thm what they wanna see or say what they wanna hear. but the truth is that, the words or things that i show thm is not wat i wanna say or show.i keep things to myself and shoulder the burden to myself and in the end get depress and angry to myself... does this really wat i wanna become? getting hurt and build wall around me so that ppl cannot come inside etc.

i am always being blind by fact because of useless emotion that hinder me from seeing the truth, my jealousy that always make me feel suck. Yes i still like her, and i truly like her but she is not mine, so i should just keep living in my fantasy and move on...this things is getting old and i am getting sick and tired of it... yes trying to fall in love with another person just that i can forget her, does not work. end up i really fall in love with another girl, but was ask to give up cos me and her does not match. hahaha how suck my life can be, but i should now let it bring me down but rather take it as a lesson and move on. saying is one things doing is another, so say without doing is useless. as words are empty by itself. 

Torture

Every night before I sleep, this four song would be played n one of them would be on repeat.   These songs always remind me of her n it kinda suck cos I know tht she is not mine but I just wan her. It is hard to forget her after so long tht I love her. The songs will always n mever fail to make my heart feel pain n hurt. Sometime I just wonder why do I really let this song bring me to the past. Is it stupid tht I listen to it n make myself feel depress n hurt hahaha but the songs really explain how I felt and yes it kinda tortured myself to listen to it but after sometime I guess I will be immune to the song... oh the four songs are all korean song: wedding dress, because I'm stupid, please and please be nice to me. Yeap these are the four song >.<

Pain

I do not know how long I can take both emotional pain n physical pain. Each time I felt it, I seriously want to just do something to make the pain go away for good. Hahaha told my parents also no used cos they will tell me they also feel body pain etc. So the best way is just to suffer n feel the pain alone.  Alone in the void where no voice can be heard n no light tht can enter.

Happy???

People always tell me "eh why you cannot be happy uh and why u always negative" etc. the real truth is that the happiness that i always felt does not last that long and whn i am happy i always wan to be happy. so to prevent disappointment, might as well be depress and unhappy so that u will forget the feeling of being happy and the happiness that u wan will not be taken away cos u did not have the happy feeling to being with... haha damn sucky to be me    

Life

Hmm hmm been think wat I wanna do lately but the real truth is tht after poly need go uni thn work to earn a bucket load of cash so tht I can survive. So many competitor n so little space available. .. but the truth is tht I wanna be a care free person n easy going n simple person.  Nothing too complex or complicated nothing too fancy and nothing too extreme.  Just a simple life where I can enjoy n be happy without worry. Haha yeap many ppl wan tht too but the truth is tht it is hard to get wat u wan if we dun have money. Everything can be bought with money but who know tht some things even money cannot even buy with it hahaha

Question ?

Hmm question tht always appear my head are always different n yet the kinda like the same... everytime I think abt it, it always voice down into why I cannot be selfish, why can't I be self centered and why I always get depress or feel guilty easily... this question always come out n it really make me think abt it... I know tht I have been living in the past n keep regretting all the action I had done but all the action tht I had done involved me being not selfish n self centered so why I am regretting abt it ???

revenge or forgive ?

As I am writing this which song being played... the song always remind me abt the past event as some of the song lyrics did really match wat I had experience before. Sometime I just wonder did I really forgive the person tht is responsible for my pain or simply am I waiting for the perfect timing to do my revenge on tht person. I also am not tht sure... hais. Even though I did think of some plan for my revenge,  some part of me wonder am I really this type of person?  Truth be told I wan both revenge n I also dun wan to see tht person suffer. But I kinda need to choose one only. Whn I choose revenge I am being pressed down by my guilt but whn I wanna to forgive I am being reminded by the pain. Funny though,  I seriously dun know wat to do. Should I be like my old self where I dun care anything around me? Or should I just continue with wat I am really am which is just keep it to myself n just endure the pain. But some ppl I met really invoke the feelin good of me wanna protect thm but some simply wan me to be mean to thm.... hais too many things in my head now n so more gonna to come. Just wanna say goodbye to poly life n go to uni life. Poly life bring mostly hurtful memory where ppl say things but never do it,  ppl betray each other etc but kinda glad tht it happen cos I can learn from it n poly life also make me meet some fren which is truely worth to be called my fren and worth my time spend on thm >.<

Feeling

Chase someone and being said tht you betray him is really in my mind right now... tht the past tht have been replaying in my mind... after all the person tht said I betray him,  approve of my chasing but it was all too late. Now even he chase another person. And I was left alone n broken.  Looking at how ppl are together always curious me on why they wanna be together, the type of feeling tht it produce. But now for me I have to give up on doing so. How stupid a person can be whn he is falling in love?  How blind the person can be whn he is in love? How naive a person can be whn he is in love?  All this question I know the answer. But to say the truth it is not the curious of being in love tht always bug me, it is not the envy feeling to look at couple tht make me wanna fall in love. But, it is the feeling it produce, it is the trust and time tht are being forge tht I wan tk fall. Sometime whn the time is right, you would surely wan to find your soul partner to complete the other half of you. But there is always objection being made by ur fren or those stupid comment tht held you back. This make u feel useless and worthless,  u would be like sitting in the dark corner and be depress all over it. If lucky enough someone would pull you out of the darkness and make ur live a better and meaningful.  Those are your true fren tht you could always rely on and you could whine and bitch around. But sometime u would not wanna disturb them as they also got their own life.