Myself

sometime i also do not understand myself, i am really seriously pissed with myself sometime. why am i like this, why can't i just let it go. WHY WHY WHY.... question and pile of question is being stacked and i am just running away or rather flooding myself with work just to distract myself with this question. YES i cannot find an answer yet, yes i am really suck whn i am finding answer for myself. i can help ppl in everything and i can do anything tht i want. BUT why can't i answer my own personal question. WHY!!!! I know tht i give in easily, depress easily and like to tear myself down until i get tear coming out of my eyes. but just tht my head is always filled with question abt stupid things, why can't i have her, why can't she be mine, why i always give in easily... why why why arghh..... sometime the only way to shut up my brain is just to flood with myself with work, but i am just running away and more and more question are being piled up in my head and i need to sort thm out.... hais getting sad over something tht i should not be, getting worried abt something tht i should not have. YES I DUN BELIEVE IN GOD, tht why i always stand alone cos i dun wanna have pillars of support around me. they are my fren, and even my close fren dun know me tht well cos i always does not tell him or her tht much cos i really dun wan thm to worry about me. i am just like a who does not show emotion tht much and when shown it is very deep. even my intern boss, told me tht i like rarely show emotion and always give a straight face. just tht if u take out my mask, u will see a sad boy just wanna be happy but he could not. she told me before tht to be happy, it is my choice, no one can stop you. i tried very hard to be happy, but around me things, always make me depress and sad. thus i really dun know how to be happy or sad sometime, and just wear a mask on my face tht does not show emotion.... yes i am used to be called a cold person, a emotionless person and yes i can become like tht again, but after meeting some ppl in life, my stone heart had melt and this make me feel stupid as i get emotional out of sudden and could not control it :(.... hais suck to be me. there is a few ppl, know tht i fake my smile and tht i am just like a little kids tht could not do anything. i just wan you to take care of my again. i really could not make it without you. i am really tired of standing alone without pillar to support me whn the time i needed i the most. if only u would read this, thn u will understand my heart. pls be beside me like u used to be and take care of me. i know tht i usually need more care, but i swear tht i will also take care of u, in a way tht i could.... ppl around me always say tht i am smart, genius and hardworking but to tell u the truth uh, ppl like me are always alone, ppl like me cannot find true happiness because we have high exception on our self. and if we met the exception, we will push it even higher until we could not. YES i am trying to be prefect in everything but i am totally dumb in emotion, friendship, relationship (if have one)... all i do is say only oh if i have a girlfriend, i would do this and tht for her blah blah blah. but the point it tht will i do it, will a small fight shaken me. sometime i just wan to be free and lift of the burden on my shoulder. yes some ppl always say tht why i always shoulder all the burden to myself etc. but just tht i rather suffer alone thn to let ppl around me suffer.... this body, mind and soul of mine will carry on any burden until it break.whn it break tht will be the time whn i am free from the cage i build for myself, the cage where i lock myself.